Wendi {at random}

Today I'm feeling kind of moody.

Yes, moody.

On days like this, I get anxious about stuff. Stuff like toothpaste spit left in the sink, dirty clothes abandoned on the bathroom floor, yogurt cups discovered under the couch. Stuff like that. And so my moodiness grows and grows and grows until I realize that I forgot to take my Lexapro this morning. So, after moodily mowing the lawn (what's my lawn mower's name, Princess???), I pop my happy pill, sit down with the boys to dinner, and begin to relax. Yes, the edge is finally wearing off. The pillows tossed on the floor aren't bothering me. The milk cups sitting on TV trays for 2 hours now aren't making my head spin like Sibyl. And the boys' crazy maniacal laughter is actually making me smile. 

I've been on Lexapro since Benjy was born. I'll never forget that feeling of hopelessness and despair that signaled post-partem depression. My friend Kat recognized it and told me to call my dr., so I did, and here I am five years later. I have tried to wean off of it a couple of times before, but the anxiety is so strong that I feel like curling up in a cave and never coming out. Of course, that's normal. We all feel like closing the curtains and sleeping for weeks. But the anxiety, the feeling that my corner of the world is spinning out of control and I'm ready to let it is what I cannot live with. And my kids shouldn't have to either. 

Today, when my moodiness was peaking, I sounded like the meanest mom on the planet, yelling about the laundry that had been tossed off the guest room bed, screaming about the mess in the playroom (it is a playroom, after all), fuming over the laundry that two boys can go through in only 12 hours. I HATE that feeling of losing it, yelling instead of helping. By this evening, I was back in control, ready to help with kind directions instead of barking orders like a drill sergeant. And you know what? Even with the pillows and the milk cups and the insane giggles, it's all OK.