Alone with the Kryptonite

Curt took the boys to see The Hobbit today. That left me at home with the dogs for about 3 and a half hours. I've decided that's too long for me to be alone. Even with the dogs. 

I'd been doing so well this Christmas, you know? So joy-filled and full of grace and all Pollyanna positive. The spirit of Christmas and all that.

And then left to my own quiet as the evening sun poured through the living room window, my fragile peace shattered and I was alone with Mom again. Back in her ICU room in another time zone where I had begged God for a miracle. 

She died anyway. 

Oh yes, I am thankful that if Mom can't be here with me, she's there with Him. But still. 

But still.

I just miss her. And left to my own, that hole in my heart that I'd plugged with God-sent strength leaked a little and dried-up tears slid down my cheeks.

These days are inevitable, I suppose. There were times when I thought I was grieving all wrong with my sunshiny self spouting thankfulness and God praise. For some time I couldn't cry. Was this really what it felt like to lose your mom?

No, only a part of it.

Today I felt human-weak again. Perhaps tomorrow I'll pull from God's strength. But for today, I'm just oddly content to cover myself with his blanket of comfort.